Is "Should" Your Middle Name?
I was talking with a friend recently about the word should and how often it appears in our lives.
What I should be doing. What other people think I should be doing. What someone else should or shouldn’t be doing. What I should have done differently.
When I shared that I was changing my relationship with “should,” she laughed and said, “What—change my middle name?”
I laughed, too, because how many of us could say the same thing?
Jen should…
You should…
They should…
We may not realize how frequently we use the word, but “should” can quietly become the voice directing our lives.
Whose “Should” Is It?
Many of our shoulds were gathered over time.
They may have come from our families, our communities, our careers, our relationships, or the expectations we absorbed about what a successful or meaningful life is supposed to look like. Sometimes “should” is connected to responsibility and something that truly matters. Other times, it is simply an old expectation we have kept carrying without asking whether it still belongs to us.
When a should appears, we can pause and ask:
Is this actually important to me?
Is this aligned with who I am today?
Am I choosing this—or am I trying to meet an expectation?
Does this belong in the life I am creating now?
The answers may surprise us.
Releasing the “Should Have”
“Should” subconsciously tells us what to do next. It also keeps us revisiting the past.
I should have known. I should have chosen differently. I should have spoken up. I should be further along by now.
Those thoughts ask us to judge a previous version of ourselves using the awareness we have today. You made past decisions with the understanding, resources, and capacity available to you at that time. You are allowed to appreciate what those experiences taught you without continuing to punish yourself for how they unfolded.
Instead of asking, “What should I have done?” perhaps we can ask:
What do I know now?
What would I like to choose moving forward?
That small shift brings us out of judgment and back into possibility.
What Is Important Now?
Releasing the pressure of “should” does not mean ignoring our responsibilities or doing only what feels comfortable. It means becoming more conscious about what guides our choices. There is a difference between doing something because it is important to us and doing it because we believe we are supposed to. When we focus on what is genuinely important, we begin making room for what feels honest, meaningful, and aligned. We stop building our lives entirely around outside expectations and begin listening to our own awareness.
Who are you today?
What matters to you now?
What kind of life are you choosing to create?
Your answers may be different from what they were five years ago, six months ago, or even yesterday. That does not mean you were wrong before. It means you are continuing to grow and make choices that honor who you are in the moment.
A Gentle Practice
The next time you hear yourself say, “I should,” pause before continuing.
Take a breath and replace the statement with a question:
Do I truly desire to do this?
Is this important to me?
What would feel aligned here?
What am I choosing?
You may still decide to do the very same thing. But now it becomes a conscious choice instead of an automatic obligation. Sometimes, you may recognize that a particular should is no longer yours to carry.
What if you allowed yourself to release it?
What time and space could that create for what is truly important?
Perhaps “should” does not have to be your middle name after all.
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